The Accidental Occurrence
by Queen of Curses
Summary: OMG! Yami Bakura is pregnant! But who is the father? Read to find out! ~Rated PG13 for language~
1. The Discovery

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The Accidental Occurrence

By Queen of Curses

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Summary: OMG! Yami Bakura is pregnant! But who's the father of the child? Read to find out!

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Disclaimer: I own nothing.

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A/N: Hey! How y'all doin? Anywayz, I'm back! By the way, please do not flame me, saying that the occurrence of a male getting pregnant is scientifically impossible. I'm very much aware of that. Also, when I say Bakura, I mean Yami Bakura. Well, on with the fic!

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"..." - Speech

/.../ - Thought

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Chapter 1 - The Discovery

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It was a perfectly normal day in Tokyo, Japan. The sun was shining...a cool breeze was sweeping over the city...two psychos terrorizing innocent people...many screams heard in the background...yes, it was a perfectly normal day. 

In the middle of their terrorizing, one of the psychos fell to the ground, clutching his abnormally large stomach in pain. Then, the other stopped setting people's clothes on fire and went over to see if his partner was alright.

"You okay, Bakura?" The one with pale blonde hair and lavender eyes asked.

"Does it look like it?" Bakura growled, still holding on to his stomach. Suddenly, he gave out a loud scream.

"I better hurry you to the doctor." His partner whispered.

"Then get on with it, Malik!" And Malik helped Bakura into a car and drove as fast as he possibly could.

/Damn speed limit./ Malik thought to himself as he drove, all the while glancing at his best friend every few moments. Yeah, he was psychotic, but that didn't stop him from worrying.

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When they reached the hospital, the both rushed in and demanded an emergency appointment with the doctor. When the secretary declined, Malik angrily took out the Millennium Rod, extended the blade, and put it up to her throat.

"You see, this is a real emergency." He calmly stated. "My best friend is in pain and we want to see the damned doctor right NOW." And he moved the blade closer. 

"So would you be a dear and get me that appointment?" And all the secretary could do was nod. And he brought the blade away from her throat and she started leading them through the many hallways of the hospital.

"I didn't know you cared." Bakura said. Most of the pain had gone, but his stomach still hurt badly.

"Don't get used to it." Malik said. Finally, they stopped at a door.

"H-h-here's her office." She stammered, and quickly rushed away.

Malik opened the door and saw a mid-aged woman sitting at a desk in the far end of the room.

"May I help you?" She asked politely.

"No duh. That's the fuckin' reason we're here." Malik said. And Bakura gave out another painful scream.

"Bakura here is in pain. And neither of us knows the reason." The tanned blonde stated.

"Hmm... let me take an upper-body x-ray. Now, you there, Bakura, please lie down here." The doctor said.

And Bakura laid down on the thing the doctor pointed to. After a few minutes of examination, the doctor finally said something. "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

"WHAT?!?!" The two yelled in unison.

"I said that you're pregnant. I know it's an unexplainable thing, but you certainly are pregnant. About 5 months into it, to be exact." She said.

"Oh...that explains the bitchy mood swings he always has..." Malik said to himself, not realizing he said it out loud.

"So you're calling me a bitchy person?" Bakura asked.

"Of, course not."

"Bakura, when was the last time you had sex?" The doctor interrupted.

"Er...I think that would be about 5 months ago. Me and Malik here got real drunk on beer, wine, vodka, and all that good stuff. And...umm...I guess you can figure out the rest..." Bakura replied, turning a deep shade of red.

"Okay. Now I need to have a private word with Bakura. So Malik, can you please exit the room for a while?" She asked.

"Sure..." He replied, then started walking out. /Damn doctors./

And he waited outside while waiting for Bakura. 

/I didn't know alcohol and sex would have such a serious outcome./ 

/C'mon. Why does it have to turn out this way? I'm not ready to have a child!/

/I'm not ready to be a father, even. All of this is not scientific!/

And that was when Malik lost his cool. He started running back and forth through the corridor yelling.

"MY BEST FRIEND IS PREGNANT! I AM THE FATHER! I AM NOT READY TO HAVE A CHILD! THIS IS NOT SCIENTIFIC! DAMN ALCOHOL! DAMN VERY HOT BEST FRIEND! WHY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Then, he calmed down. He walked all the way back to the doctor's office and waited some more.

/Bakura is my best friend. I can't call him a lover. Fuck. This was all just an accident! An accident, I say!/

/Hey, maybe I gotta look on the friggin' bright side. At least we'll have a child for me and Bakura to teach our psychotic and evil ways./ And he grinned his evil grin.

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Finally, Bakura came out of the room with the doctor. And he looked MAD.

"Fuck you, Malik! You did this to me and now you're going to pay!" And Bakura tackled Malik onto the floor and started punching him, kicking him, biting him, and whatever else he could possibly do to get revenge.

Suddenly Bakura got off of the Egyptian. Malik stood up, all kinda bloody and bruised and ready for another tackle, but it didn't come. The next thing that happened surprised him a lot. Bakura was hugging him and crying on his shoulder.

Malik gave the doctor a questioning look. "Mood swings." She said. And he just nodded in understanding and placed his attention to the guy that was just punching the crap outta him a few moments ago.

"Malik...she said I was going to get fat. She said I couldn't terrorize people anymore. And I can't smoke or drink alcohol." He said and kept on sobbing in his best friend's shoulder.

"Bakura, hey, it's alright. I'm here. I'll be with you all the way." Even Malik was surprised by his own comforting words.

"And the worst thing of all is...I can't screw anymore!" And Bakura continued his sobbing on Malik's shirt.

"WHAT?!?" Malik practically yelled.

/I feel for you, Bakura. That just sucks. Being the sex-a-holic you are, I don't think you can last more than a day. But I guess people have to make sacrifices./

"You heard me. Maliky, this is the worst thing that's ever going to happen to me in my whole entire life." Bakura kept whining.

/Maliky? Now he starts giving me cute little pet names? Man, I gotta get used to this./ He thought.

And before he knew what he was doing, Malik lifted up Bakura's head, so they were at eye level, and kissed his full on the lips. 

After they broke apart, Bakura's mood completely changed. Now he was in the happy-go-lucky stage.

"Maliky! Let's go shopping so we can buy nice things for the baby! But first, let's go eat somewhere. I'm starving, and I'm sure the baby is starving, too! Is that okay, Malik baby?"

/Baby? I really need to get used to this. I better be nice to him or else he'll get into another mood swing./ Malik thought.

"Okay. Let's go to McDonalds. And I promise I'll get you anything you want." He said to his pregnant friend.

"Okay! Let's go!"

And the two left the hospital...but not before Malik set the doctor's whole office on fire with his lighter. And so they both happily rushed into a car (which they stole) and drove away, leaving a burning hospital behind.

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QOC: How was that for the first chappie? Good? Anywayz, what is in store for these two at McDonalds? You just gotta wait for the next chappie to find out! BTW, please review. I need reviews to keep me motivated. Also, if you have ideas for what will happen in McDonalds, I'd be very grateful. Remember, if you review, I'll luv u 4eva! Byezz!


	2. McDonalds

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The Accidental Occurrence

By Queen of Curses

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Disclaimer: I own nothing except for all the ideas in my crazy head.

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A/N: Thank you for all the lovely reviews. Yup, I got motivated by em. I usually don't do humor fics. But changes are good, right? Also, to those wondering, I've never lived with a pregnant woman, so I kind of really exaggerated on Bakura's mood swings. But I have a real close friend that used to be pregnant and her mood swings were ALMOST as bad as how I described Bakura's. Also, sorry for the late update, my account was locked for a while. Well, on with the chappie!

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To humorous pearl - thanx for da support. also, I decided to use ur lil song. yup, I made Yami sing it.

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To KittyN - thanx for helping me get offa mah lazy ass and do some more typing. it really helped.

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"..."- Speech

/.../ - Thought

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Chapter 2 - McDonalds

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As they were driving in their (stolen) car, a speeding car accidentally hit them. At this, Bakura got out of the car, pulled the driver out of his car and pushed him onto the ground and kicked him to death numerous times.

"Take that you good for nothing fucking bastard! Don't you know I got a baby in my freaking stomach? You could have caused it damage, if you had hit us any more directly! Well, here's some advise for you, dude! NEVER piss of a soon-to-be mother, or there'll be hell to pay!"

A bit shaken from the accident, Malik got out of the car to clear his head, seeing his friend in the middle of kicking someone to death.

"Yo, Bakura, let's go to McDonalds now!" He said.

"Be there in a minute!" Bakura replied, and he continued what he was doing.

"If I wasn't pregnant, I would rip your vocal cords out, tie them to a pole, leave you hanging there, come back 3 days later, and start torturing you with a flaming steel poker! But I am pregnant, so this is the most pain I can give you for the moment! So good-bye!"

And he calmly walked back to the car, where the father of his child was waiting.

"Enjoy yourself?" The Egyptian asked.

"Very much, thank you."

And they drove away in their (stolen and badly damaged) car, heading for McDonalds.

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When they finally arrived at McDonalds, Bakura rushed and cut al the people in line and started make orders. They would have complained if Malik didn't have his arm encircled possessively around Bakura's waist. They would have complained if Malik wasn't playing with the blade of the Millennium Rod in his other hand.

But Malik DID have one arm around Bakura's waist, and he WAS playing with the blade of the Millennium Rod. So the people on line decided to forget about the whole thing.

"I want that." He said to the lady at the counter as he pointed to something.

"And that."

"Get me some of those."

"That one right over there looks nice."

"That looks good, too."

And his ordering went on for a few minutes. Malik had long left Bakura's side to go sit on the floor to think of ways to pay for all the things his friend was buying. He got up and started pacing.

Suddenly Malik caught sight of Seto Kaiba. Remembering that he was rich brought an idea into his head.

So he started stalking the multi-billionaire. Soon, he ended up in the men's bathroom. And he saw Seto Kaiba...umm...doing his business.

(A/N: Sorry, I dunno what the men's restroom looks like. I'm a girl.)

Malik sneaked up sneaked up behind him. 

/This guy must be deaf./ He thought to himself.

And he took the blade of the Millennium Rod and lightly poked the back of Seto's neck. And for some strange reason, the victim started laughing.

"Why the fuck are you laughing, dude?" Malik asked.

"I-it t-tickles." Seto said, trying to hold in his laughter, but to no avail.

At this time, Malik was annoyed and grabbed Seto and put the blade up to the front of his neck. Then, he made a little cut. Not enough to hurt much, but it did draw blood.

"Now, Seto. Can I borrow about a million dollars?"

"Sure thing." The taller teen replied.

/Why am I not resisting?/ Seto asked himself.

/Oh yeah, I'm high on the smell of white-out./ He answered his own question.

The tanned teen released his grip on Seto. Soon the multi-billionaire had the million dollars (in cash) in his hand and was giving it to Malik slowly.

Malik was about to grab it away, but Seto was faster.

"What if I don't give the money to you?" The taller boy asked.

"Hmm...I'll show Joey the pictures of when you cheated on him for Yami." Malik said simply.

Seto gasped and gave in, giving the money to the Egyptian.

Malik emerged from the men's bathroom victorious and made his way back to Bakura. It seemed that the lady at the cash register was adding up the total amount of money.

"All the items you have bought add up to a total of $1,000,000.25." She said.

Bakura just smiled. Malik was staring at her in shock. He gave her the $1,000,000.

"I'll be right back to give you the 25 cents."

He ran around McDonalds, screaming.

"A QUARTER! A QUARTER! MY BEST FRIEND'S MCDONALDS MEAL FOR A QUARTER!"

(A/N: For those wondering, I got the original saying from the story 'For Want of a Horseshoe Nail'. "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!")

He soon came upon Yami and Yugi. As usual, Yami's arm was draped over his hikari's shoulders.

"Pharaoh! Do you have a quarter?" Malik asked him in a hurried tone.

"Yeah." He replied coolly.

"Can I have it?" Malik asked.

"Sure." He took out a quarter and slowly gave it to Malik.

/This is sorta like deja vu./ Malik thought to himself.

He was about to grab it away, but Yami was too fast.

/Whoa...this is deja vu./ Malik thought.

"What will you do if I don't give it to you?" He asked, his hand now caressing his hikari's face.

Malik went over and whispered something in his ear.

"I'll show Yugi the pictures of when you cheated on him for Seto." Malik plainly whispered.

/DEJA VU!!! MUAHAHAHA!!!! THIS IS PROOF THAT I'M GOING CRAZY!!! Well, I'm already crazy, so I'll have to settle with being crazier.../ The Egyptian thought to himself.

"You wouldn't." The Pharaoh exclaimed.

"I would." Malik said, pretending to examine his fingernails.

Defeated, the Pharaoh handed over the quarter to Malik. After taking the quarter, the tanned teen went back to whispering in the Pharaoh's ear.

"If you wanted to know...Seto's in the men's bathroom." And I walked away, grinning evilly. And even then, I could hear Yami's voice.

"Aibou, I'll be right back. I need to use the bathroom."

"Okay, Yami." The oh-so-innocent voice of Yugi said.

/Sometimes......being too innocent can be a bad thing./ Malik thought to himself as he looked back, seeing the Pharaoh rushing to the men's bathroom. And he just couldn't help laughing out loud in his evil laugh. 

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And so Malik rushed up to the counter and gave the quarter to the lady. Then, she handed over all that Bakura ordered. The two carried them over to a table and Bakura started eating everything up.

All Malik did was nibble a bit on his fries and took a sip of his Sprite as he watched his best friend devour the food hungrily.

"Bakura, I don't mean to be rude of anything, but with all that food, you're going to gain a few noticeable pounds." He said.

The white-haired boy gave his friend a dirty look. "It's for the baby." And he continued eating.

5 minutes later...

Malik had already gave up on trying to eat his fries and donated them to Bakura. But unconsciously, he took a chicken nugget and took a bite out of it. At that, the pregnant albino gasped.

"You thief!" Bakura explained.

Malik just rolled his lovely lavender eyes. "And all this time I knew you, I thought YOU were the thief."

"But you still stole my chicken nugget!"

"It was just a fucking chicken nugget." 

"It was a good-tasting fucking chicken nugget." The pregnant male countered.

"Nevertheless, it was JUST a fucking chicken nugget." And for that remark, Malik received a few fries thrown at his face. And Bakura just continued to eat.

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5 minutes later...

As Bakura ate and Malik was watching his best friend, Yami walked by the two with a big smile plastered onto his face.

"Somebody got llaaaiiidd..." Malik said, his voice loud enough for Yami to hear.

Yami just ignored the obviously true statement and turned to them. "Whoa, what happened to you, Thief?" Yami asked, obviously noticing Bakura's excess weight. 

Bakura glared. "None of your business, Pharaoh." And he went back to eating.

Malik just grinned and started telling the whole story to the Pharaoh.

After the story, the Pharaoh snickered.

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"Malik and Bakura sitting in a car...

Are they fucking? Yes they are...

Five months later, they find out...

Bakura is pregnant, and Malik gives a shout...

I'M NOT READY TO BE A FATHER!"

And Yami burst out laughing. Bakura just glared. Malik just blinked.

"Actually, Pharaoh, I'm pretty sure we didn't screw in the car. While we were drunk, I'm pretty sure we screwed in the Shadow Realm." Malik finally said.

At the statement, the Pharaoh stopped laughing and the Thief turned to his best friend with a questioning look.

After a few moments of absolute silence between the three, Malik decided to break it. 

"Hey, it's true. So stop staring."

Then, Yami left. And Bakura complained that he wanted to go home so Malik had no choice but to drive them back to the apartment that the two of them shared.

But before they left, both set the place on fire. And they stole another car and drove away, with a burning fast food restaurant in the background.

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QOC: K, pplz, this was the long-awaited chapter. I know it ain't that good. Sometimes, I think there's no point of even continuing this fic. One reason would b that there's no plot. But I'll continue it, cuz it's fun to write! BTW, in your review please state if you want their baby to be a boy or girl and please suggest a name. I know Bakura is far from labor, but it's very difficult to choose the right name. One last note, I believe in two first names. Take my first names for example: Kristina Mirasol. So if you would b kind enough, also leave a second first name. Well, until next time, byezz!


	3. Amazons

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The Accidental Occurrence

By Queen of Curses

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Disclaimer: All of u kno I don't own anything but the plot. If u sue me, u'll get nothing cuz I don't got anything valuable...except maybe mah PS2.

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A/N: i'm VERY sorry for the extremely long wait. If u need an explanation of why i couldn't update for so long, i suggest u take a look at my bio. Anywayz, thank u all for the uplifting reviews and the patience of everyone. I'm also still thinking of a name. I'm already considering one that I have gotten in a review. Also, about the chapter title, I know it's weird, but it makes sense. Well, enough of my rambling, here goes the fic!

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"..." - Speech

/.../ - Thought

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Chapter 3 - Amazons

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One month after the McDonalds incident...

Our favorite sexy Egyptian woke, but stayed in bed. He glanced over at the alarm clock by the bed. It blinked 8:00 AM. 

Malik's eyes went wide as saucers. /Holy shit. Isis and Ryou are visiting at 10! I have to hide Bakura! Or make him look less pregnant!/ He looked over to his best friend, who was still sleeping peacefully.

/Okay....I need to be calm....Isis and Ryou wouldn't be THAT mad to find out that their having either a niece or a nephew, right?/

And so he calmly got out of bed and took a long shower. Keyword: long. Unfortunately, the shower was most inconvenient because of the inconsistent temperature of the water.

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT BURNS!!!!!"

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT FREEZES!!!!!"

"AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! IT BURNS AGAIN!!!!!"

Then he got out of the shower (pissed off, if I might add) and dressed himself in black jeans and a light purple blouse-sort-of-thing.

Then he walked back over to Bakura, who was still sleeping. Then, he started examining his friend's stomach. /Whoa. It sure has gotten huge since that last time I actually paid attention to it./

And out of curiosity, he started poking Bakura's stomach. 

"Hello! Are you in there? My name is Malik and I'm your father!" He said as quietly as he could not wanting to wake the 'mother'. But he just continued to poke, looking very stupid as he did. 

/Good thing I hid all the mirrors. If Bakura ever found out how FAT he has become, he would be very upset. Yeah, he's always been conscious about his weight, his looks, his hair./

/HIS HAIR?! Now that I think of it, how DOES he get his hair that way? It does NOT look natural. Well, neither is mine for that matter . . ./

And so Malik continued to babble on to himself, all the while poking the former Tomb Robber.

"Maliky..." Bakura said in the sweetest voice he could muster.

"Yeah?" Malik answered, a bit surprised at the Thief's awakening.

"It's already been 30 damn fucking minutes, so can stop your assault on our child?" Bakura said with nasty voice, a growl, a snarl, and some other curses that I can't type.

/Mother's instinct..../ Malik though to himself.

Then, out of nowhere, Bakura asked Malik to buy him a huge purple teddy bear at the mall in the stuffed animals store.

"Umm....sure, Bakura. Oh, yeah, Isis and Ryou will be visiting at 10. K? Bye, honey!" Malik said, not realizing he had called his best friend 'honey'.

After the blonde had left, the albino's eyes went wide. /Fuck! Why today? I can't let them see me like this!/

/On second, though, maybe they won't notice. I didn't get THAT fat, did I?/

/Now that I think of it, I haven't seen my reflection in a mirror for quite a long time./ 

/Note to self: Find a mirror and check my reflection./

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It was when Malik was already at the mall when he suddenly realized he had called his best friend 'honey'.

/Damn! What was going through my head?!/

/Oh, yeah....father's instinct..../

As he cautiously stepped in the stuffed animals store and looked around for what the pregnant male wanted.

/Huge purple teddy bear, huge purple teddy bear, huge purple teddy bear........WHAT IN THE NAME OF RA IS A TEDDY BEAR?!?/

And the blonde just kept walking through the isles, seeing shelves full of stuffed animals. He came upon a stuffed King Cobra.

"Ooh, I had a pet King Cobra back when I was 12. Then, he ran away." Malik said to himself in a childish voice.

He pick up the stuffed animal and slung it over his shoulder. He then came across a young woman of about 14. 

"Hey, you there! Do you have any huge purple teddy bears here?" He asked.

The woman just stared at his shoulder and began to stutter.

"Umm....s-s-ir.....there's a-a-a-a real live s-s-s-nake on your shoulder...."

"Really? Oh, I should've known. But it's okay. I know my way around a snake."

And the young woman fainted on the floor. And right next to the spot where she fainted was a huge purple teddy bear with a tag that said HUGE PURPLE TEDDY BEAR.

"Umm....okay. I'm just leaving with these two thing's, okay?" Malik said, picking up the purple.....THING......and walked out the door, with his new pet King Cobra on his shoulder.

When he got into the newly-stolen car, he counted down from 10.

"10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1..." He counted.

BOOM

And the mall exploded. 

/Good thing I'm safe here in the parking lot./

And Malik begun to drive back to the apartment Bakura and himself called home. But was pulled over by a cop.

"WHAT THE FRIGGIN' HELL ARE YOU DOING, MAN?" Malik asked.

"I'm sorry, miss, but I must confiscate your snake. It is against the law." The cop explained.

"MISS?! FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! I AM A MAN!!! IS IT *THAT* WRONG TO HAVE LONG HAIR?!?!?!?" The Egyptian yelled.

"No, miss--er--I mean, sir. But it *is* against the law." He said, taking the King Cobra out of the teen's possession.

"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING SHIT ABOUT THE DUMB LAW!!" And Malik drove away, ramming into the cop. And his only regret was leaving his snake behind.

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It was already 10:15 AM and Bakura was sitting calmly in the living room of the apartment.

/Good they're late. Enough time for me to calm down and not worry about being killed by either Isis or Ryou. Maybe I should go out for a while to get some ice cream before they get here./

DING-DONG

/Darn...too late./

And Bakura slowly opened the door, seeing a very cheerful Isis and Ryou. When they saw Bakura's figure, Isis was trying to conceal her laughter with her hand. Bakura's hikari was more straightforward.

"Yami? Why are you FAT?"

Then, Bakura's mood suddenly changed, he ran to the corner and began sobbing.

"PMS?" Ryou asked Isis.

"I don't think so..."

"Pregnancy?"

"Sounds pretty impossible, but it looks like it...."

Then Ryou went over to where Bakura was huddled in the corner.

"Are you okay, yami?"

"Does it look like it?" He snarled.

From out of nowhere, Ryou pulled out a box of cake and showed it to his yami. 

"Cake?" He asked politely.

"Sure!" The former Tomb Robber replied, showing obvious signs that he was happy...again.

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15 minutes later...

Malik was stuck in traffic as he drove the stolen car. After not moving for quite a while, his left eye began to twitch.

/Stupid assholes..../ *twitch*

/Can't even drive.../ *twitch-twitch*

Malik then rolled down the window of the car and started screaming at the top of his lungs.

"IF YOU PEOPLE DON"T GET OUT OF MY WAY IN 10 SECONDS, I'M RAMMING MY DAMN WAY THROUGH!"

When no one paid any attention to him, he stuck his head out the window and started the countdown with an evil grin on his face.

/I can count! I'm so proud of myself!/ 

"10..........9.........8........7.........6.......5........4........3.........2.......1........"

"CCCCHHHHHAAARRGGGEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And the Egyptian pressed as hard as he could on the gas pedal.

When, nothing happened, he just blinked a few times before realizing what had happen.

"I RAN OUT OF FRIGGIN GAS!!!!!! NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

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"Bakura, what do you think of this?" Ryou asked, pointing to a picture in a magazine.

"Hmm...it's too green. I think I'll like something in lavender." Bakura said, with a huge smile on his face, as he stuffed another slice of cake in his mouth.

"Ooh, how about this?" Isis asked.

"Umm....I think it's too revealing." The former tomb robber replied. 

Ryou and Isis looked at the picture.

"You're right." They both said in unison. 

"OMR (Oh my Ra) !!! This one is just *perfect* !!!" Bakura exclaimed as he pointed to another picture.

"You're right!" Ryou said.

"It *is* perfect." Isis commented.

"I'll order it for you right away." Ryou said.

"Ryou, it costs $1000." The 'mother' said as his light went to the phone to order it.

"Don't worry, Bakura. Ryou's *very* persuasive, and his innocence pays off." Isis assured.

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"YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!! HOW MUCH MORE DESCRIPTIVE COULD I BE!!! I'M STUCK IN TRAFFIC ON THE FUCKING HIGHWAY IN A DEMENTED YELLOW VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE!!!!! JUST BRING THE FRIGGING GASOLINE!!!!!!!!" Malik screamed into the stolen cell phone to the dude at the gas station.

"What? Have I taken psychiatry? No, I haven't. Why are you asking?" The Egyptian answered after hearing what the man had said.

"You think I should? Well, SCREW YOU!!!!!!!" And he threw the cell phone out the beetle's window, where it was attacked by a group of buzzards that appeared out of nowhere.

It was already 10:45 and Malik still wasn't able to get any gas. Finally, he decided to steal another car. All he cared about was getting home to Bakura. So he really didn't give a damn if the police was going to pursue him for the newly stolen car.

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"How does this sound?" Ryou asked, turning on the CD player and handing the headphones to Bakura.

After placing the headphones on, Bakura gave his opinion. "Well, first off, it's too slow." 

"Really?" Isis said, taking the headphones and listening to the tune.

"Yeah. I need something that shows love, but not in a sappy way." The 'mother' said.

"That will be pretty difficult. Let's move on to the next thing and get back to it later." Ryou said.

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"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I LOST THEM!!!" Malik exclaimed as he turned a corner to get to the block on which the apartment was. Obviously, he 'them' was the police.

After he parked right next to a fire hydrant, he ran into the apartment building, carrying the huge purple teddy bear.

Then, he had to go through the task of running up the stairs to the 69th floor. When he got there, some random guy started talking.

"Dude, there's an elevator." he said, pointing to his right.

"Damn . . . ." Malik whispered to himself, pushing the random guy aside to get to the apartment door. He knew Isis and Ryou were already in there. After taking a few deep breaths, he felt he was ready for what was to come. But he never expected what he found, and therefore, passed out on the floor.

There in the living room were Isis and Ryou, whose hair were put up into a nice bun and wearing plain white dresses, working on their latest masterpiece. Their masterpiece of fashion, that is.

Bakura was standing in between both of them, wearing a fancy lavender gown, which had a silk halter top to match with a puffy silk skirt that went down to the floor. Isis, being the taller one, was braiding Bakura's hair into a countless number of tiny braids. Ryou was on his knees, painting his yami's fake fingernails and toenails white with a pink flower in the center.

And spread all around them were a countless number of opened bridal and marriage magazines. They advertised bridal gowns, wedding music, tips for a perfect wedding, etc.

When, Malik came to 10 minutes later, he was greeted by a hyperactive Bakura hugging him tightly. When he pulled away, and got a better look at his best friend, he passed out . . . . . . again.

When he woke up another 10 minutes later, the first thing he did was grab Bakura by the waist and sling him over his shoulder, not caring if his back would give out from the weight.

Then, Malik ran like Anubis was after him for all the terrible deeds he had committed. He ran down the stairs from the 69th floor to the 1st floor and found the random guy again.

"Dude, there's an elevator."

"Darn it all . . ." Malik said, once again pushing the random guy out of the way and kept on running till he and Bakura were outside the apartment building.

By the time they were out there, Malik was panting and passed out for the third time in this chapter.

He gained consciousness pretty soon.

"You like?" Bakura innocently said, showing off his new look to the father of his child.

"LIKE?! THOSE TWO AMAZONS TOOK YOU PRISONER AND WERE TRYING TO TURN YOU INTO ONE OF THEM!!! I SAVED YOUR ASS!!! AND ALL I GET IS A "DO YOU LIKE?"!!!!!!!!!!" The blonde screamed at the top of his lungs.

"Umm...Maliky, aren't Amazons supposed to be women? Ryou isn't a woman." Bakura curiously asked.

"EXACTLY!!" Malik said, still panting.

When he had calmed down, he finally realized that Bakura *did* look good in what he was wearing.

"So I repeat," Bakura started, acting serious, "Do you like?"

"Yes, Bakura, I like." Malik said, giving one of his rare smiles that didn't look at all psychotic.

And Bakura smiled back, and hugged his friend. "Good. Because we're getting married." 

And for the fourth and final time in this chapter, Malik passed out.

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QOC: I was sooo happy when I got this chapter done, that I let out a big sigh. Again, I am sorry to all those who were waiting for this chapter to get posted up. By the way, I need more opinions on what the name of their child should be and whether it should be a boy or a girl. I also need to know what sort of last name he/she is going to have. Bakura-Ishtar? Ishtar-Bakura? Anywho, just as always, *please* review. They encourage me greatly.


	4. Preparations

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The Accidental Occurrence

By Queen of Curses

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Disclaimer: All of u kno I don't own anything.

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A/N: HA! I AM BACK! Let me see . . . my excuse this time for updating after so long (almost a year) is that the file kept corrupting on my floppy disk. ya, and i had to keep rewriting from memory. the original was MUCH longer and BETTER, but i couldn't remember some parts in it. to solve that problem in the future, i am now saving my stuff onto a data CD. 

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"..." - Speech

/.../ - Thought

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Chapter 4 - The Preparations

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~The following morning~

"Malik, wake up!" Bakura shouted from the kitchen of their small little apartment.

"What the hell do you want?" Malik sleepily shouted right back from his bedroom.

"I made breakfast, and if you don't eat up every single bit off your plate, I swear I'm going to murder you!"

/Oh, Ra . . . Bakura making breakfast? This must be a nightmare. I must not be awake yet, either. But if I _am_ awake, I hope I don't choke and die from whatever he cooked . . ./ Malik thought to himself as he got out of bed in nothing but his purple boxers. (Nice little image to input in your mind, ne?)

When he arrived in the kitchen the first thing he saw was his best friend wearing a gas mask and holding up a spatula. At this, Malik's eyes widened, and he started praying inside his mind.

/To all the Egyptian Gods out there, if you produce a miracle to let me survive Bakura's cooking, I'll do anything! ANYTHING!!! I'll be a good boy, I'll give back all the shampoo bottles I stole from Isis, I'll never threaten anyone ever again, I'll stay out of trouble for the rest of my life, I'll give up sex . . . . . ANYTHING!!!! Oh, wait, I take back that giving up sex part. Can't live without it. ^_^ So, please, all you lazy-assed Gods produce a miracle so that I live to see the day our child will terrorize pigeons at age three! Or else . . . I will hunt you all down and give you a slow and painful death . . . MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!/

After that short little prayer, Malik reluctantly sat down at the small kitchen table. He was scared. Yes, we're talking about Mr. nobody-scares-me-because-I-can-easily-take-over-your-mind-and-make-you-pull-your-brain-out-of-your-own-head-through-your-nose-with-a-spoon.

After a few seconds of making sure what he cooked was all right, Bakura set a plate of what looked like perfectly normal food in front of Malik.

"Here's your breakfast." Bakura said roughly. "You better not throw it all up after you eat it, or I'll force you to consume your own vomit. I worked very hard on this. You should appreciate my efforts."

The blonde teen just stared at the plate. Slowly, Malik took a fork and a knife and started consuming his breakfast.

After he had consumed all of it, he just smiled at Bakura, and ran to the bathroom as fast as he possibly could, leaving the white-haired teen looking confused.

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Now, the two were walking up and down the isles of Toys'R'Us about an hour after the breakfast incident. (their apartment was only half a mile away) Of course, they were looking for things for the baby.

One was rushing down the isles dropping things into their shopping cart, while the other was slowly lagging behind and thinking of his bad condition of diarrhea. And I'm pretty sure you all can guess which person was doing what.

/Oh . . ./ Malik thought, grabbing hold of the piece of stomach where his intestines were right under. /It could've been much worse than diarrhea . . . but I survived! MWAHAHAHAHA!!! I actually survived!/

"Hey, Malik!" Bakura shouted from three isles away. "It might take me a while to get all the things I need, so you can just go on to whatever place you want in the store, if you think shopping with me is a bore."

"Oh, it's no bore," Malik lied, "but since I'm probably slowing you down, I'll just stay out of the way!" Bakura just nodded and continued with what he was doing.

"It's only been ten minutes," Malik whispered to himself, looking at his hourglass-watch on his wrist, "and he already has six full shopping carts." 

/HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO CARRY THAT ALL HOME?!/

/Well, I better not fret about it now, I'll just go over to the video game section and play some demos./

When our favorite crazy dude got his nice firm ass over there, the first thing he saw was a long line of young teenage guys. Being quite curious, he went over to investigate what they were waiting in line for. It seems that they were all waiting in line for that popular Playstation2 game, DDRMAX2. The demo at this store even included a dancepad to dance on.

(A/N: To those unfamiliar with DDR: Dance Dance Revolution, why don't you all do some research? Go to www.ddrfreak.com after you read this fic. i rock at DDR, btw! I'm a level 9. ^_^)

/Isn't that the game Isis and Ryou always bring to me and Bakura's apartment? Yeah, it is! Heh, she's been playing for months now, and she still isn't very good at it. Neither is Ryou. Unlike both of them, I'm a pretty fast learner. I turned into a pro the first day I played it. I was just bored and Bakura pushed me into keeping Ryou company with the game./

/So if I'm a pro, WHY THE HECK AM I STILL STANDING HERE LIKE AN IDIOT WHEN I CAN BE GETTING ON THE LINE TO SHOW ALL THOSE OTHER BASTARDS I COULD WHOOP THEIR ASSES ANY DAY AT THIS GAME!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!/

So Malik took out his Millennium Rod, which he brought with him wherever he went, and ordered every single person to get off the line as fast as they could to go to the Barbie Doll department, using his Millennium Item. But Malik couldn't get the last person on the line to get off because his mind was already exhausted from controlling over a hundred people. So he marched on right up there to tell whomever it was to move.

It was Anzu. Or Tea, as her friends called her.

"Move." Malik ordered.

"Why should I? I have friends, you don't!" Tea answered back.

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!"

"Umm . . . nothing, I guess, but friends can help me through anything!"

"They won't be around to help you when I wipe the floor with you at DDR!" Malik challenged.

"Challenge accepted!"

So the two started their dancing duel. They agreed they would both dance two songs. Whoever had a higher score won. Pretty simple, right?

Tea danced first. She chose the songs "Peace Out" and "True", both on the easiest difficulty level. She passed them both with A's. Malik danced "Sandstorm" and "MAX300", both on the hardest difficulty level. Malik got a double A on "Sandstorm", but during "MAX300", one of the fastest songs ever created in Konami history (going at 300 beats per minute), Malik felt his breakfast side effects returning. He held on as long as he could, but during the middle of the song he couldn't take it anymore and ran for the nearest bathroom to take care of his problem, while in the background he faintly heard a voice: "Haha! I won!"

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~In the men's restroom at Toys'R'Us~

"Urrggh . . . eww . . ." Came a voice from one of the stalls. "Yeah, that's better . . ." A flush was heard, and out walked Malik.

/I can't believe I lost to that bitch just because I had a friggin' case of diarrhea./ He thought to himself as he washed his hands thoroughly with five different anti-bacterial liquid soaps that Bakura carried with him everywhere. Malik was lucky he volunteered to hold his best friend's purse--er, I mean--bag, where the soaps were contained. Or else his hands would have smelled so bad, the birds flying in the sky would have dropped dead the minute he walked outside.

After exiting the restroom, he found himself face to face with a permanent-marker-holding Tea. Malik eyes widened as he thought: "Oh, no . . ." And he began to run, like someone was chasing after him. The thing was, someone WAS chasing after him.

"Malik!!!" Tea screeched as she tried her best to catch up to the Egyptian.

"Get away from me you little bitch!" Malik screamed, running a little faster.

"Let me draw a smiley face on your hand!"

"NEVER! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

"It's a sign of friendship! EVERYONE needs friendship in quantities! I can get Tristan and Joey to be your friends!"

"Those motherfuckers? No way! All I need as a friend is Bakura, and I already got him! So . . . GO AWAY!!!!!"

And the chase went on for a few minutes, both weaving through the aisles like strands of hair through a braid. Finally, when Malik seemed to have lost her, he rushed up to the paying counter, where Bakura was arguing with the salesperson. He quickly took out both of his solid-gold earrings and lay them atop the counter.

"Hey you," Malik hurriedly said to the salesperson, "these earrings are worth $500 apiece. That's a thousand dollars in total. That should cover all the expenses. Keep the change. Oh, it's okay; I have plenty more pairs of these earrings at home."

The salesperson just nodded as Malik proceed to steal belts from every employee nearby. With the pilfered belts, our Egyptian strung together all ten (full) shopping carts with unmatched skill. A few seconds later all the Toys'R'Us were left blinking, dumbstruck, by the strange behavior of the two main characters in this fic.

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"Malik! What the hell do you think you did back there? I was in a perfectly controversial argument with that nasty old salesperson!" Bakura growled as his best friend dragged him the half-mile way back to their apartment building.

"You really do love arguing, don't you?!" Malik hysterically said, suddenly stopping his dragging of Bakura and the ten linked shopping carts right in front of their apartment building's first-floor elevator. "Is that the reason we get into so many verbal-abuse fights? Just for your own twisted pleasure?!"

"Umm . . . yeah . . . DUH!" Bakura said, in a voice that made anyone feel stupid.

"Oh. Okay." The other said, losing all traces of his previous temporary psycho-rage. After some arguing on how to get all the stuff up the stairs to the place they called home, the elevator beside them opened with a DING and out came the same random dude from the last chapter.

"Dudes, there's an elevator . . ." The random guy said, in the slow dialect of one of those blonde-haired, blue-eyed, surf-obsessed guys that you always see at the beach during summer.

"SHUT UP!" Bakura and Malik shouted in unison as the random guy ran for his life and took shelter in the nearest surfboard shop. Malik stepped into the elevator.

"Every time I come back down, you hand me a shopping cart. Then I'll go up and wheel it into our place. You okay with that?" Malik asked after explaining his plan.

"Sure, whatever." Bakura answered.

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~Much later, in their apartment~

One pale-blonde teen was lying down lazily on the black leather couch. Asleep, no doubt. The other was hastily finding places to put all their new items, all the while removing some other things by chucking them out the window. When our tattooed beauty awoke, he found quite a surprise in the form of his environment.

"Oh my Ra . . ." Malik started as he stared in mortal horror at his new atmosphere. Then, he began to walk around the room. First of all, a light blue velvet one replaced the black leather couch he was sleeping on. The walls of the living room were not black, gold, and purple anymore, as Malik had painted them when the two first moved in. Now, they were colored a simple white with swirls of lines of light green, depicting the visible form of wind like that in a child's imagination. 

The wide screen television was gone, too, along with Malik's Playstation 2, XBOX, and Gameboy Advanced. Instead, in their place, were toys of all sorts, from beach balls to rubber ducks to plastic knives to large building blocks.

/Plastic knives?!/ Malik thought to himself in relief. /At least Bakura had enough common sense to know that we can't raise our baby as a terrorist to pedestrians with all this "goody-goody" shit. Using plastic knives is a pretty subtle and discreet way to turn our child into a rebel when he or she is old enough to go to school./

So basically, our guy was okay with the new makeover for their apartment.

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QOC: Wow. How short. Heh. Whatever. Please review. I'll love you forever if you do. 3 btw, a reviewer said that the dress would be better in white, so i'll make the lavender one "accidentally" catch fire in the next chapter. ^_^


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